This show is not to be confused with that infinitely inferior Netcop Uncensored, which Scott "I can't remove hideous lies like Hacksaw smoking pot with the Iron Sheik from the FAQ" Keith wrote. I was literally 50/50 on even ordering and recapping the show until Friday afternoon, when a heartfelt, impassioned plea from Sean Shannon arrived in my Inbox, begging me to recap the show so he wouldn't have to miss out on the action because he had to watch WWF Sunday Night Snoozefest! And since above all I'm not a sadist, I went ahead and watched Uncensored, although I would anyway because it was sure to follow the great tradition of its past shows (like in 1995, when the Blacktop Bully and Dustin Rhodes had that HARDcore truck fight. Or in 1996, when the Megapowers conquered the entire Dungeon of Doom in that triple cage match).
- Live from Miami, Florida. Insert jokes about unoriginal wrestlers with BORING catchphrases here. - Your hosts are Tony, Mark and Mike. - It should be noted that the arena is exceedingly full, looking to be about 30,000 people max. - Before the show starts, the camera cuts in to show a sign in the crowd: "I'd Rather Be at Wrestlemania". Probably so he can catch up on all that sleep he will miss because of this exciting card! - Hogan and Sid share a bonding moment while a bunch of people walk and talk. Jarrett has a surprise! A mysterious limo is here! (maybe the Hummer driver's in it!) - Opening match, Cruiserweight title: Prince Iaukea v. Psychosis. Chris Candido, a man who has a body as built as a girl named Donna, skips to ringside after the bell rings. The PRINCE dominates the foreigner with cruiserweight moves not seen since the Madusa vs. Oklahoma feud and retains the title! I give it **, minus three for Psycho Sissy being there, one for the PRINCE's talent, and one for that other WIMP Juvenstooge getting beat up by a woman! Harharharhar! - Lane & Rave v. Norman Smiley & The Demon. Miss Hancock joins us for commentary, wearing the shortest skirt allowed by law because she thinks she's the SEXY Rhonda Singh. Norman is attired as a demon tonight, because he wishes he was a MAIN EVENTER with the AWESOME winning streak too. The Demon, as usual, leads his team to victory. - The Wall v. Bam Bam Bigelow. The Wall continues to be impressive by wrestling a marathon match with Bigelow and then destroying those SYCHOS David Flair and Crowbar. He could be the next El Gigante if he keeps up the good work. - Hardcore title match: Three Count v. Brian Knobbs. Knobbs tosses some plunder in, and it backfires as all three of the co-champs swarm him. Shane is able to no-sell Pitty City because he's wearing a nose protector. That was the smartest move since the time when Hacksaw hid a second roll of tape in his trunks when that nasty VK Wallstreet had his one roll taken away. But Knobbs, being the tough customer he is, comes back to win the match and the title! Statement of the century: Mike Tenay notes that the title has respectability again now that Knobbs has it. Preach it, brother! - Booker & Kidman v. Harlem Heat 2000. Booker and Kidman cheat to win, even after getting dazzled by the aerial assault of Stevie Ray, Big T, and Cash. - Fat Finlay v. Whimpiro. I'm sorry, but I fell asleep when I knew both of these MORONS were wrestling each other. Hopefully THE DOG ran in and gave someone the Dog Pound, and drank from the toilet to celebrate. I wonder if he accidentally swallowed DDP's Battlebowl ring in there. - WCW World tag title match: The Mamalukes v. The Harris Brothers. FINALLY, the best tag team in the world and the most popular (now that Mideon and Viscera split up) HAS WON THE TAG TEAM TITLES! And the millions - AND MILLIONS - of Harris fans have a reason to chant their names! HAR-RIS! HAR-RIS! HAR-RIS! In fact, you may say the Mamalukes were DOA before they stepped in the ring. They sure were black and blu with bruises after getting the move that destroys everything in a 20 foot radius (Mark Madden was right), the H-BOMB! - Bullrope match: Dustin Rhodes v. Terry Funk. Not only was this the greatest match Dustin was involved in since that King of the Road match, but it also gave us the return of the LEGEND, the GOBBLEDYGOOKER! The DF1 says, automatic *****!!!!! - Lumberjack match: Lex Luger v. Sting. A great match between the Lugerous one, T-Pac, and the Stinger, who has never looked better. Unfortunately, Whimpero had to try and steal Sting's glory. I know that T-Pac is tough, but Sting didn't need your help, you loser! - WCW World title match: Sid Vicious v. Jeff Jarrett. Another ***** match from Sid, who overcame all of Double Jerk's cheating with the help of the Hulkster and with the advice of my main man Seth. Unfortunately, Big Poppa PUFF blindsided Hulk. I was mad, but felt better knowing how many great matches we're in for between Hogan and Steiner. (Note: This was written before Nitro, as Sid is now lower than even the snake in the grass, the evil Taskmaster) - Hulk Hogan v. Ric Flair. Usual crap from Flair here. Choke, choke, punch, punch. Hulk however fights back with his great technical aresnal. Despite interference from Lex LOSER, the Hulkster once again beats Flab, who didn't learn his lesson from Uncensored '95, when Hulk beat him and the man "they" call Vader singlehandedly. ****/34, and I only took off the /14 of a star because HULK didn't transform into HOLLYWOOD like he said, and it would have been cool to see Hollywood singing Voodoo Chili while taking apart Flair with moves banned in several countries like the BACK RAKE OF DOOM, and all the while Hollywood would be laughing RUHAHAHAHAHAHA! The ULLLLLLLLLLLLLTIMATE Line: Oh, man, it was actually pretty okay for the first little bit, and it kept getting better and better! Unlike what Wrestlemania will be like, to which ol' DF1 says, Nothing to see here, move on, time to go home. Thumbs way up! JDF1